So, I have been AWOL because my husband and I have been making some big decisions. My work has offered me a job in the Philippines so we are doing it! We will be leaving in 5 months. I am still here for now though.
Talk about ups and downs! Life is crazy and hard and stressful sometimes, but gotta keep our heads up and just keep truckin! Tonight my brother in law that told me I was getting fat (1.5 years and 10lbs lighter ago) is coming into town and I am not looking forward to feeling self conscious about the way I look. He isn't even thin, not in the SLIGHTEST, but somehow he thinks he is allowed to expect perfection in regards to bodies from the women in his life but not from himself. It kind of makes me want to punch him in the face:) I will do my best not to give into that temptation though. I am sure it will be nice to see him. Things are not getting better on the weight front for me, but they haven't gotten worse, so I guess that's good. PLUS, we have had some VERY emotional things going on and I have resisted the temptation to EAT to make myself feel better. That's a step in the right direction:)
I loved Mindy's post about addiction. I was just telling my hubby last night that I think I have a problem with food. This is something new, within the past year, that I really noticed. I use food as a coping mechanism. We got some stressful news last night and how did I cope...I went out and ate like crap. For the past year, this is what I do. I used to be a talker. I talked about my problems, about my feelings, I did not hold anything in. Well, over the past few years I have found things in my life that I just can't talk about. I have no one close to me that can even comprehend or relate even a little bit. Therefore, I don't talk and when I feel stressed or upset or emotional or anything that I cannot deal with.....I eat to cover it up. This scares me! I actually have it on my to-do list today to find a therapist in my area. I cannot talk to my family or friends about the things I am dealing with, but instead of eating myself into a stupor to deal with it, I am going to find someone that I CAN talk to about it! This is step #1 to my recovery. Wish me luck!
I haven't been doing the challenge, just being lazy. The past two weeks there have been some CRAZY things going on in our lives. I really can honestly say I don't think I have ever been so stressed or overwhelmed with emotions in my life. It has also been draining me of any energy. But, its still been a good week and I have been reminded many many times of how blessed I truly am. I did ok with my eating and exercising. I am trying to give myself SMALL goals. I know that part of my problem is that I always try to GO BIG or GO HOME and its kind of self sabotaging behavior because if I can't go big then I just give up. So, I am going small and steady. I am planning to lose a few lbs a week and in a month that will add up to a good number. So far, its helped a lot to think this way. It doesn't overwhelm me, which is great! Yesterday was my 4 year anniversary. We are going out tonight and tomorrow night, but I think I will do fine. Its a good day and been a good week. I am excited to see what this next week brings.
Well, all I can say is that I didn't gain and that's better than last month. This is an area I am just doing well in. I don't know what my problem is, I look at pictures and I see how much thinner I used to be and it makes me WANT that again but I am not DOING what it takes. I have gained a significant amount of weight (20 lbs) over the past 2.5 years when we have been dealing more seriously with our infertility. I know the hormones and such play a role, but I think its deeper than that. This is not an excuse it is just me trying to figure out a way to fix whatever it is that's wrong and whatever deep down issue is preventing me from doing what it takes. I am not sure if I use food as a comfort or if I am just so discouraged about it all that I have lost my motivation, I really don't know. Anyway, I will fix it and I will lose weight! Good luck this month everyone.
So I am out of town with my girlfriends this weekend and it is not good for the eating or the working out. A few of us are going to go running tomorrow morning, which should help. I really think I can get myself back on track in every way and think this weekend will be a good catapult. I am around my girl friends that I love but that are always making excuses for themselves and for each other. They also believe that everyone who looks great are just naturally and genetically more prone to looking great, which I know is not true and I kind of want to prove them wrong.
This week has been a good one. There are a few reasons for that, the biggest one being that my husband and I were approved for adoption yesterday. This has been a long time coming and it is something we are extremely excited for!
Also, I have been eating much better this week. The Eat Clean Diet book has been by my side all week and although it is all information I already had, the author puts it in terms that really make sense to me. I have enjoyed her book and am now lending it to one of my co-workers. I haven't eaten perfectly clean all week, but I have done pretty well and am enjoying it.
I just feel better, getting past the fog that I have been in for the past month.