Moving out of the country

So, I have been AWOL because my husband and I have been making some big decisions. My work has offered me a job in the Philippines so we are doing it! We will be leaving in 5 months. I am still here for now though.

This week!

Talk about ups and downs! Life is crazy and hard and stressful sometimes, but gotta keep our heads up and just keep truckin! Tonight my brother in law that told me I was getting fat (1.5 years and 10lbs lighter ago) is coming into town and I am not looking forward to feeling self conscious about the way I look. He isn't even thin, not in the SLIGHTEST, but somehow he thinks he is allowed to expect perfection in regards to bodies from the women in his life but not from himself. It kind of makes me want to punch him in the face:) I will do my best not to give into that temptation though. I am sure it will be nice to see him.
Things are not getting better on the weight front for me, but they haven't gotten worse, so I guess that's good. PLUS, we have had some VERY emotional things going on and I have resisted the temptation to EAT to make myself feel better. That's a step in the right direction:)

Addiction and Help

I loved Mindy's post about addiction. I was just telling my hubby last night that I think I have a problem with food. This is something new, within the past year, that I really noticed. I use food as a coping mechanism. We got some stressful news last night and how did I cope...I went out and ate like crap. For the past year, this is what I do. I used to be a talker. I talked about my problems, about my feelings, I did not hold anything in. Well, over the past few years I have found things in my life that I just can't talk about. I have no one close to me that can even comprehend or relate even a little bit. Therefore, I don't talk and when I feel stressed or upset or emotional or anything that I cannot deal with.....I eat to cover it up. This scares me! I actually have it on my to-do list today to find a therapist in my area. I cannot talk to my family or friends about the things I am dealing with, but instead of eating myself into a stupor to deal with it, I am going to find someone that I CAN talk to about it! This is step #1 to my recovery. Wish me luck!

March Week 1

I haven't been doing the challenge, just being lazy. The past two weeks there have been some CRAZY things going on in our lives. I really can honestly say I don't think I have ever been so stressed or overwhelmed with emotions in my life. It has also been draining me of any energy. But, its still been a good week and I have been reminded many many times of how blessed I truly am. I did ok with my eating and exercising. I am trying to give myself SMALL goals. I know that part of my problem is that I always try to GO BIG or GO HOME and its kind of self sabotaging behavior because if I can't go big then I just give up. So, I am going small and steady. I am planning to lose a few lbs a week and in a month that will add up to a good number. So far, its helped a lot to think this way. It doesn't overwhelm me, which is great! Yesterday was my 4 year anniversary. We are going out tonight and tomorrow night, but I think I will do fine. Its a good day and been a good week. I am excited to see what this next week brings.

New Month

Well, all I can say is that I didn't gain and that's better than last month. This is an area I am just doing well in. I don't know what my problem is, I look at pictures and I see how much thinner I used to be and it makes me WANT that again but I am not DOING what it takes. I have gained a significant amount of weight (20 lbs) over the past 2.5 years when we have been dealing more seriously with our infertility. I know the hormones and such play a role, but I think its deeper than that. This is not an excuse it is just me trying to figure out a way to fix whatever it is that's wrong and whatever deep down issue is preventing me from doing what it takes. I am not sure if I use food as a comfort or if I am just so discouraged about it all that I have lost my motivation, I really don't know. Anyway, I will fix it and I will lose weight! Good luck this month everyone.

Girls Weekend

So I am out of town with my girlfriends this weekend and it is not good for the eating or the working out. A few of us are going to go running tomorrow morning, which should help. I really think I can get myself back on track in every way and think this weekend will be a good catapult. I am around my girl friends that I love but that are always making excuses for themselves and for each other. They also believe that everyone who looks great are just naturally and genetically more prone to looking great, which I know is not true and I kind of want to prove them wrong.

This Week!

This week has been a good one. There are a few reasons for that, the biggest one being that my husband and I were approved for adoption yesterday. This has been a long time coming and it is something we are extremely excited for!

Also, I have been eating much better this week. The Eat Clean Diet book has been by my side all week and although it is all information I already had, the author puts it in terms that really make sense to me. I have enjoyed her book and am now lending it to one of my co-workers. I haven't eaten perfectly clean all week, but I have done pretty well and am enjoying it.

I just feel better, getting past the fog that I have been in for the past month.

Excuses

Below are some of the excuses I thought of for last weeks challenge. There are a lot of them that is for sure. Now I just have to figure out how to cut through them and get going.

-NO motivation. I just think to myself “ah, I am good enough” even though I am not.
-Tired, always so tired.
-Depressed…
-I feel like I have tried to do well and be healthy and haven’t gotten what I wanted out of it (to get pregnant) so now I am bitter and figure “what is the point?”
-Want to spend time with my husband. I tell myself that I don’t see him enough and we need to spend time together so I don’t work out and we usually eat something together.
-The dog. This sounds weird but since he is home all day alone I feel guilty leaving him in his crate at night if my husband isn’t home (which normally he isn’t) so I feel like I have to go home instead of going to the gym.
-One cookie/diet coke/anything unhealthy is not going to be such a big deal.
-If I am going to start eating healthy tomorrow, I HAVE to eat everything in unhealthy tonight.
-I already did horribly by eating that one bad thing; I might as well live it up today and start tomorrow.
-Food makes me HAPPY. Caffeine also makes me happy. I know this is a temporary happiness, but I honestly am in a WAY better mood immediately after eating In-n-Out or some other yummy, bad food.
-I have always been the short, stocky one. That isn’t going to change. I am not “skinny” and never will be.
-The more weight I gain, the more excuses I find. I feel so bad about myself that I don’t even want to go out in public, even to the gym.
-Public or family gatherings, I feel like I have to eat the food provided to not be rude.

Weekly blogging

I was blogging often when I didn't have to and now that we need to blog once every week I almost missed it. I was getting ready for bed and realized that its now 2 AM on Sunday morning which means I am late...so, hopefully this is still acceptable.

I am still not doing well, but I did buy the Eat Clean diet book, which is good so far. Most of it is already information I know but I just don't live by. Story of my life. Hopefully I can find the motivation to finally start living it!

Starting another month

So, I completely failed, big time! Not only did I not lose weight, I gained! What the....? I think I am dealing with a little S.A.D, which is not an excuse, just a fact. I think better understanding why I have been feeling so down and no motivation lately will help me to figure out a way to fix it. Anyway, no excuses. On to February and doing better! I am SO impressed with everyone's weight loss, so impressed! Good job peeps, hopefully next month I will be right up there with ya. Thanks for the great motivation!

failing

So this month is pretty much down the tubes. I have 3 days left and I am thinking that as long as I can be at the exact same weight I was a month ago then I am o.k. Yes, that means I have gained in the past 4 weeks and I am just hoping that in a few days I can be at the 150 I was at the beginning and i will start February anew. I know, ridiculous and I am not even going to try and make any excuses.

Starting something I have done before....

I am starting a "diet" that I have done before. The thing is, this diet isn't about weight loss, it has a specific purpose and that is to help with my endometriosis and hopefully to help me get pregnant. The diet is specifically tailored for endometriosis and not for fertility, but if its the endo that is causing my infertility I am thinking that the diet could help both. Anyway, almost three years ago I started eating according to this diet and really felt a lot better. But, six months into it I went on a cruise and have never been able to get back into these eating habits. When I write the things I am not allowed to eat/drink you should understand why.

No Wheat
No Dairy
No Sugar
No Red Meat
No Soy
No Caffeine

If you know me, you know I live off of diet soda and chocolate (not really, but I feel like that). So, getting off sugar and caffeine is probably the hardest part of this for me. Oh, and this also includes no eggs. So, it is difficult. But, this is not about weight loss. This is about repairing a part of my body that is damaged, or at least helping it to heal some. I hope to feel better from this and hopefully, someday......I will get pregnant. Either way, I will be healthier and that's a reward in itself.

new week...

I haven't blogged for a week and I know that I needed to, but I really don't have a lot to say. I am not doing well at eating well or working out. Last week I was eating great and seeing no progress and I always get discouraged quickly. I am not a patient person, which is something I need to work on. Maybe my challenge for myself is to try to be more patient with myself, give myself a little time to progress. I don't know. Anyway, everyone seems to be doing great and I am happy for you all. I guess I just haven't found my reason to change my body. I need that before I can ever really succeed at this.

Knowledge vs. Wisdom

So, in my mind there is a difference between knowledge and wisdom. To me, knowledge is information that you have gained and retained but don't necessarily use. Wisdom is knowledge that you use. When it comes to health, nutrition, working out, how to have a great body...I have the knowledge. I have a little brother and his wife that are personal trainers along with him being a Physical Therapist and her studying to be a Physician's Assistant. They have AMAZING bodies. Over the past 3 years they have given me all the knowledge I need to succeed at having the body that I want. The problem is, I have been unwise. I have not used that knowledge. I want to change that, so why don't I? It is so weird to me. I am a successful, hard working person. I usually am the type of person that does what I say I am going to do, but that has not been the case with my body and I don't know why. So, I am going to try to use my knowledge and become WISE!!!

hmmm....

Not really sure what is going on with me right now. I know that I go through my ups and downs often, but this past couple days I have been feeling really down. I don't think it has anything to do with my eating or exercising, although it is really making it hard to be motivated. I think it is just changes. My husband started back at school last week so he is never home. He goes to school during the day and works in the evenings and on weekends so maybe its just that I am lonely. We don't have any kids yet, so I don't have them to distract me from being all alone, just my dog:). I even got to go out for a "girls night" on both Friday and Saturday nights. I had fun, but I don't really have anything that I need a "break" from, like the other girls do. They are all stay at home moms and need a break once in a while. I get a break every night when I get home from work and hang out by myself. Haha! You would think that would give me more time to work out, and it does, but sometimes it is just depressing to spend all my time by myself.
Anyway, I do not want to get down and stay down, sometimes I just need to get it out. I have looked at everyone's blogs and will comment at some point, but most the time I just skim through them when I am at work and its hard to take the time to comment. It seems like everyone is doing great. Most of the time I am a very competitive person but it hasn't hit me yet for this competition and I am not sure why. Anyway, I really am going to try and get out of this funk I am in and join the real world and this competition with full force.

Day 2...

I am feeling a little guilty because I haven't put anything on my regular blog in the time that I have posted 3x on here. I think this blog is just easier because its focused and I don't have to put cute pictures and tell everyone what is going on with my life. So, I definitely need to post something on my family blog but I think that will wait until tomorrow.
I was out of town on a business trip for just 24 hours and boy am I tired. I ate pretty well, trying to make healthy choices at the restaurants we went to. I did not sleep well and I actually think that is an area that I need to work seriously on. I know that lack of sleep contributes to weight gain and definitely makes losing weight even more difficult, but I am such a night owl. I like to stay up, watch tv, just hang out with my husband, etc. Plus sometimes when I go to bed I just feel like tomorrow and all that comes with it (work) is coming too soon. But, I do need more sleep. I think I am going to figure out a schedule that works for me and try to stick with it so that I get a few more hours of sleep at night.
Sorry to run on, but I am hoping that this blog just becomes a place where I can put down the thoughts that run through my head about my body, why I am where I am and what little things I can do to change it.
Thanks for all your comments. I am behind on linking everyone's blogs to mine, but I am watching and reading all that you are going through and I am excited for you and me.

Day 1 Weigh in

It is very early. I am getting ready to go on a quick business trip and needed to get my weight in first. So, here it is. I do have to say, 3.6lbs for the first 5 days of 2010 is pretty good.

Tomorrow's the big day

Tomorrow is the day the competition starts. In a way, I am glad I started on the 1st for myself because I have kind of gotten into a good, healthier mindset. Normally the day before I start a diet or something I go crazy. I eat whatever I want and sometimes even more than I want because I am thinking "this is it, I can never have this again". Haha, that would probably why I never stick to it. I am proud of myself tonight for not thinking that way. I ate really healthy today and didn't do anything crazy just because tomorrow is the real start of the competition. I started on January 1st making better choices and working toward my goal, this competition is just another tool to help me get there.
I am going on a business trip tomorrow which could be an interesting way to start. Its hard to plan for what I am going to eat and how to work out when I am out of town, but I know I can and will do it. I am excited for the challenge.
Good luck to all that are starting the competition with me. I am excited for the challenge and even for the competition. It will probably help push me just a bit further than I could go on my own.
Talk to ya tomorrow

In the Beginning...

It's January 1st 2010 and it is the beginning of a new journey for me. I titled this blog "Remember Who You Are" because that has always been kind of a motto in my home. While growing up, I never really understood why it was such a big deal. Now that I am older I realize that I am blessed to be who I am, to have the family I do, to have the potential that I do. Up until this point in my life I don't think I have truly been living up to that potential. I have done some amazing things and have reached many of the goals that I have for myself, but the one area that continues to be a struggle for me is my body. Now is my time to remember and to become the best version of myself there is.
I have always had a pretty negative body image. When I was in 7th grade my nickname was "Blubber". A nickname like that doesn't do good things for your self esteem. I wasn't really overweight, I was just kind of short and stocky. I still am not even overweight. It isn't that I think I have tonz of weight to lose, but my body is not how I want it to be. I have become complacent. I see people with great, healthy, toned bodies and I think "that is what I want to look like", but when it comes down to it I have not been willing to make the sacrifices and put in the hard work necessary to get my ideal body. I have always just thought to myself, "well, I look good enough". But... I don't want to look good enough, I want to look great!
I am sure all of us grew up with some type of pressure to look good and take care of ourselves. I don't know if my home was more so that way than anyone else's but I sure feel like there is a HUGE amount of importance that has been put on being skinny in my family. I feel like the skinnier you are the more accepted you are and feel. This may just be me reading into it, but its how I have always felt. I know that part of my desire to be skinny isn't just for me, it is to feel like everyone else around me accepts me more too. Hopefully through this journey I will learn to forget about everyone else and love me more, not because I am getting skinnier, but because I am achieving my goals and doing what I say I am going to do.
So sorry to write so much, but I am really excited about the prospect of really setting a body goal and achieving it. I am joining a weight loss competition. It doesn't start until January 5th, but since today is January 1st I am starting the new year right. I weighed myself this morning and took "before pictures" today that are going to be my personal starting point. By Tuesday I should already have lost a few points and that can be my starting point for the competition, but today is the first day of a new life and new goals for me.

This is the most I have ever weighed in my life...

ok, first, i totally know that this outfit is horrible (especially the underwear sticking out the top fo the pants) These pants have never fit me but this is my goal, to fit into these pants and look good:)

Here's to changing this look! Woohoo.